To all those who celebrate it, Merry Christmas!!
Here’s a short story I wrote whilst at a festive high on Christmas Eve. It’s not the most polished, and relies mostly on dialogue – which is odd for me, but I really enjoyed writing it. Take a look, and let me know what you think!
I hope everyone has a lovely day, packed with good food and delightful company đ
The Mistake
*North Pole*
âWhy do we always leave this bloody paperwork to the last minute?â muttered Chipper, thumbing through the same 300 pages he complained about each year. He glanced at the clock and winced. Only an hour until the sleigh was due to set off, and he hadnât even begun to review Santaâs contract.
âBecause itâs pointless,â replied Twinkle, rolling her eyes.
âWell, not pointless. He doesnât have his licence to spread the gift of Christmas or something if we donât put his name down in ink.â
âJust leave it, I doubt anyone will even notice weâve missed it.â
Chipper sighed and began to scan through the first couple of lines; it was just the same as last year. He took another look at the clock and knew there was simply no way he would get his list of tasks done in the next hour, not after being blinded by all the small print.
âDo you really think it wonât make a difference?â he whispered.
âOf course not! And if youâre that wound up about it, just get the temp to sign it. If thereâs any problems, itâs his name thatâs on it.â
Chipper considered Twinkleâs idea for a moment, and after ignoring the angel on his shoulder, thrust the contract in the direction of a timid-looking elf who jumped at the contact.
âRight, Bubbles. I suppose whilst youâre here you should learn how to properly sign things off,â said Chipper in the most authoritative voice he could muster.
âOh yes, sir, absolutely, sir.â
âThis contract is the same each year, itâs just used to ensure that itâs Santa himself fulfilling the Christmas duties. We just write Santaâs name on the front page here, sign it, and itâs good for another year.”
âThatâs a lot of pages to review, sir. A lot of words.â
âYes, Bubbles, but not to worry! You donât need to go through it, just sign it off and hand it back to me.â
âJust⊠just sign it offâŠâ echoed Bubbles.
âAnd hand it back to me, yes, thank you,â said Chipper, starting to grow impatient with the small elfâs hesitance.
Bubbles paused with the pen, bringing the nib close to the paper and then pulling it away again, his brow furrowing slightly.
âThereâs no need to tease the paper, Bubbles, I can assure you making it wait isnât good for anyone. Just write Santa and sign it.â
Bubbles cowered at Chipperâs stern tone, but nodded, and hastily scribbled across the page.
âBrilliant,â said Chipper, snatching the contract from him. He barely gave it a second glance, before dashing off through the snow to hand it in.
The Realisation
*North Pole*
Nicholas Claus had just sat down to his third whiskey of the evening and had only had one drag of his new cigar when there was a brisk knock at his office door. He shut his eyes and had a moment of quiet irritation to himself before calling out, âCome in, if you must.â
What followed through the open door was a taller-than-average elf named Tootsie, dressed in a crisp business suit and a sneer. In his hands were the 300 pages that had been dropped off by Chipper, mere minutes ago.
âMr Santa, sir-â
âBefore we go any further, call me Nick. âSantaâ sets my teeth on edge these days.â
âOf course, sir. Now-â
âIt would yours too if you had kids screaming it at you every damn year.â
âI absolutely agree. But Nick, I came here today because there was⊠somewhat of an issue with your yearly contract.â
âOh yeah? Lay it on me.â
âIt would appear that a certain temporary employee in the Candy Cane Department named âBubblesâ has signed it off this year. Heâs dyslexic.â
âAnd thatâs my problem, how? Slide a dictionary under the tree for the kid.â
âIt might be a little too late for a dictionary, Nick.â
âGet to the point, I really donât have time today.â
ââŠWell. He didnât put your name.â
âWhat?â
âHere, take a look.â
âYouâre fucking kidding me.â
The Story
*Hell*
âYouâre telling me what now?â laughed The Devil, pouring his new friend, Tootsie, a glass of champagne.
âIâm saying- Ah, none for me thanks, Iâm working.â
âUgh isnât everyone?â The Devil scoffed, and pushed the glass into the elfâs hands, spilling a drop that dissolved in the heat of his presence before it could hit the ground. âThey may be frittering their Christmas bonuses on boring old wine up in Heaven, but down here itâs all about the bubbles. Honey, Iâm the Devil for a reason, now drink your damn champagne.â
Tootsie took a sip.
âNow, Mr Satan, sir-â
âOh wow, people arenât still calling me that are they? How embarrassing, my cheeks are positively burning.â
âWhat do you prefer?â sighed Tootsie, willing his good temper to stay steady as he took in the being before him.
âLucifer. But only my friends and close enemies get to call me Luci.â
âAlright. So, Lucifer, thereâs a contract that enables Nick, formally known as Santa Claus, to be able to enter a childâs room whilst theyâre sleeping without being put on some sort of list,â Tootsie began, taking a gulp of his drink to give him to courage to say the next part. âUnfortunately due to an admin error, the elf filling out the forms wrote⊠âSatanâ and not âSanta.ââ
Tootsie took yet another mouthful of champagne, appreciating how much it was helping him out at this current moment. He knew it had been a mistake to stop drinking. He examined Luciferâs reaction, which was entirely unimpressed. The notable lack of rage encouraged the elf to continue. âSince the contract is not re-workable, it means youâre going to have to be the one to fulfill Santaâs duties. Does this sound like something you could do for us, sir?â
Lucifer topped up the elfâs glass and swirled his little finger around his own, making his drink fizz and pop in the gap of silence. He had never really understood the point of Christmas, yet he always had an underlying curiosity for it. He knew the Son of God had been born, something he would never be able to forget. His invite to the celebratory party âgetting lost in the postâ still stung. But why that birth meant a retired man and his furry pets should be able to sneak into peopleâs houses, he couldnât quite put his finger on. But, this could be his chance to find out. To really experience the joy that was Christmas.
âWell, alright then. I suppose it wouldnât hurt to leave the pad for a little while,â he murmured. He downed his champagne and stood to leave. Tootsie, who had somehow found his way to his third glass, followed suit and hiccupped in gratitude.
âSanta- I mean Nick, is really, really going to appreciate this, Luci,â Tootsie said, wiping the saliva that had dribbled down his chin with the cuff of his sleeve.
âHe had better. And itâs Lucifer, please donât make me remind you. I donât need to pack do I?â
âIt wouldnât hurt to take a scarf, sir.â
âHm. Lilith, darling?â Lucifer called over to a red-haired lady, who was busy stroking a serpent. âIâm popping out. Could you be a dear and keep an eye on things for me?â
Lilith stopped her petting, which her reptile did not appear to be pleased with. She looked over with raised eyebrows and replied, âOf course. Where are you going?â
âA dinky little place called the North Pole, have you heard of it?â
âI have, dear, yes,â she laughed, âand how do you think youâre going to survive up there?â
Lucifer chuckled, and as he began to walk, allowing Tootsie to lead the way, he called over his shoulder, âI suppose youâll have to pray for me.â
*North Pole*
âThis suit itches. When was the last time you washed it? Oh, I forgot how much red clashes with my skintone,â grumbled Lucifer, tugging at the red velvet that sagged around his body. He already loathed this suit and he had only been wearing it less than a minute. But, he had to admit, it was keeping him warmer than if he stood amongst the snow in all his natural glory, so it was a keeper. âDo people not have central heating here?â he asked Tootsie, who seemed to be completely unaffected by the cold.
âNo. We usually keep ourselves warm with the joy of helping others etcetera, etcetera,â the elf drawled in a monotone, beginning to sober up, much to his displeasure. âRight, all you have to do is get in the sleigh, visit every house all over the world, and leave a few gifts behind. Can you manage that alone?â
âYou mean that oversized trough? With the mooses tugging on it?â Lucifer said warily.
âTheyâre actually- just- yes, thatâs the one. I think Iâll come with you. To keep an eye on things.â
*London, England*
Once Tootsie had convinced Lucifer onto the sleigh with only minor threats, the two were well on their way and actually ahead of schedule. After hitting his first few target houses, Lucifer felt to be in the swing of things. Aside from a couple of mishaps.
âOh, sorry about those last couple of places. When youâre The Devil, itâs hard to land in a fireplace without accidentally setting it alight. You donât need to come down the chimney with me this time,â he said with confidence.
Tootsie, who was slightly charred at this point, replied âThank you for the consideration.â
As Lucifer shuffled his way down the chimney alone this time, and carefully trod his way over the coals, he looked around the living room he had stepped into. It was a large, warm room, decorated top to bottom with things that sparkled, glittered and shone. There was a magnificent Christmas tree in the corner, alight with colourful bulbs and gleaming baubles, underneath which were gifts and treats galore, all wrapped in gaudy paper. Lucifer shuddered. His eyes hadnât been this abused since he first saw the flickering flames of hellfire. He shook his head, and decided to get on with the job, tossing a few giftboxes under the already packed tree.
As he began to get back into the fireplace to join Tootsie, he heard a rustle behind him. As slowly as he could, he turned around, only to see a small girl dressed in flannel pyjamas, her bare toes curled into the carpet, and her eyes wide. Lucifer froze, unsure of what the official policy was here. He decided the best option was to wait it out, and see who would break first. It turns out, it was the girl.
âAre you Santa?â she asked, having the good sense to whisper.
âErm,â Lucifer faltered, having a problem with lying for the first time in his life. âYouâre⊠lexically close.â
âDid you leave us presents, Santa? Did you eat the mince pies?â
âYes, I left you presents. No, I didnât eat the mince pies. Theyâre disgusting. Donât know why everybody leaves them out for me, have they not heard of chocolate?â
The girl padded over to the new gifts that were lying under the tree, already littered in discarded pine needles. She bent down and stroked the shiny paper, not willing to go any further.
âThat means Iâve been a good girl! Doesnât it Santa?â
âMm, well everyone has a moral compass, and it doesnât just point in one…â Lucifer began, but as he saw the girl staring at him with a vacant expression, he decided to just humour her. âYes, youâve been a good girl.â
âThatâs good. Thank you for deciding I was good this year, Santa, I didnât want to go to Hell.â
Very few times Lucifer had been so shocked that he had nothing to say. This was one of those very rare occurrences.
âMummy and Daddy say thereâs a Good List and a Naughty List, and if youâre on the Naughty List, then God will punish you,â the girl continued, âso I have been trying my best to be nice and good all year.â
âRight. Thatâs⊠sweet, but wholly inaccurate. You really think Santa has a say in that Heaven and Hell business? Wow, schooling is going downhill,â Lucifer muttered, watching the girl stuff one of the mince pies into her mouth, oblivious to his attempt at education.
âThanks again, Santa. And Merry Christmas!â she said, her words muffled around the food. She walked over to him, and before Lucifer could do anything to stop her, she was hugging him.
âOh donât get the pie on the suit, Iâm renting- oh, and there it goes, itâs on the suit. Alright then. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.â Lucifer patted the girl on the head in what could be perceived as an almost tender moment. Before he got bored, and tried to pry her clinging fingers from his jacket.
After ensuring the girl got back to bed without any interruptions from angry parents, Lucifer made his leave. He successfully made his way up the chimney without inducing an accidental inferno, and joined Tootsie on the sleigh.
âEverything go to plan?â asked the elf, now having abandoned his singed suit jacket and settled in a more comfortable position.
âNot quite. But I made it work,â said Lucifer, âNow, onwards. I hear I have quite a few houses to get round.â
Tootsie nodded, and the sleigh took off once again.
*North Pole*
Much to his surprise, Lucifer re-entered the North Pole to the sound of applause, cheering, and the faint melody of a jazz musicianâs jaunty cover of Jingle Bells. As he stepped off the sleigh, he was immediately taken aside by Nick, who caught his hand and shook it eagerly.
âI have to thank you for tonight, Lucifer, I really needed the break,â he managed to huff out, his breath stale with cigar smoke, âhow do you feel about this becoming a regular deal, eh?â
âMm, I can imagine it must be exhausting working one day a year. Unfortunately, I wasn’t looking for anything more, I think this should have been just a one-time thing. Sorry to break your heart,â Lucifer said, already beginning to pull the red jacket off his shoulders. âThough I have to admit, I rather enjoyed leaving the kids my special gifts.â
âWhat?â
âMy presents, the ones I brought from home.â
âBut when- what were in these gifts, Lucifer?â Tootsie chimed in, a mask of worry holding his face.
âOh just a couple of luxuries. Severed heads, tortured souls, the wrath of a thousand angered wasps. All giftwrapped, of course.â
âYouâre not serious?â
âAre you calling me a liar?â Lucifer smirked, shaking off the last of Santaâs suit. âAnyway, I really need to get back, Iâm sure thereâs tonnes for me to catch up on. Feel like escorting me back, elf?â
Tootsie paused in massaging his temples and with resigned exasperation, agreed he would.
âLetâs go to Hell.â
*Hell*
âWell thanks again for your⊠help, Lucifer,â Tootsie said, sweating profusely in the heat of the underworld.
âIt could have gone worse, couldnât it?â
âDid you enjoy it?â queried the elf, genuinely curious.
Lucifer paused before answering, taking a moment to think back to the little girl that had caught him.
âI suppose. I learnt that my domain still strikes terror in the hearts of children, which was somewhat comforting. I have never spawned my own little devils, I suppose I’ve never been the broody type. And it made me realise my place is definitely down here. Iâm the King of Hell, babe, thereâs nobody else who can do my job,â he grinned, shrugging in nonchalance. âChristmas was sort of beautiful yet entirely disgusting. Itâs all well and good for those who like familial cheer and heart-warming epiphanies, but really, I think I will be staying where I belong.â
âThank God,â breathed Tootsie.
âOh please, donât thank him, he gets the credit for everything. One more thing, you donât have access to this so-called Naughty List, do you?â
âSantaâs Naughty List?â
âYes. Let me have at least a peek. I have a feeling those kids will be coming to stay in a few years.â
Tootsie smiled and shook his head. âYou know I canât do that.â
âUgh, youâre far too good for my liking.â
âGoodbye, Lucifer.â
âSee ya, Toots.â
*North Pole, one year later*
âWhy do we always leave this bloody paperwork to the last minute?â
âJust get the temp to-â
âNope.â